Our little girl,
this is the best picture we have of her, and I only know a few things about her.
In the womb she reminds me of her sister, her mouth is always open with her hands by her face and she doesn’t stop moving long enough for the ultrasound technition to take a picture.
I can guess about who she will look like but I really don’t know.
Holding this little picture in my hand, I think the plans that God has for this little life. I imagine how she might impact lives, how she might love and serve other people. I think about how she herself might be a mom someday, and a loving wife to a wonderful man. I think about her talents, the unique gifts that only she can offer the world. I think about the way that she will change me, the way that our relationship will change us. I can’t help but pray that this little life will be a world changer.
Its amazing how motherhood has changed me.
I remember holding Anniston’s first ultrasound picture. Amazed at the gift, smitten with that little peanut and with no idea of what to expect. My mind went to the practical, the list of things that I needed to do, the things that we needed to buy, the books that I needed to read. I was overwhelmed with fears of childbirth, fears of failing, fears of all the “what if’s”, the things that were out of my control.
For me, it was the difference between being an expecting mother and a mother who is expecting.
I can see a difference now.
Holding this new little picture in my hand I felt gratitude for the way He has changed me. Released from performance and the desire to be the perfect mom, having all of the right stuff and reading all of the right books I am free to dream for my baby. Free from fears of things I cannot control I can press into the faith it takes to be a mother. Having walked through it once before I can lift my eyes to see beyond the practical to the big picture.
If I could go back and do it all again I am not sure I would do it a whole lot differently. I might not read 6 different books on natural childbirth or research every single item on our baby registry, but those were the things I could do to love Anniston, that is how I knew how to love her. This time I know how to love a little differently, and I am sure that will continue to change. I will continue to change.
This thing called Motherhood continues to amaze me. It continues to change me and draw me deeper into this place of freedom and rest. Holding that little picture I completely fell apart, amazed at how Motherhood has changed me.