a mother’s heart

 life moved a little bit slower this week.

my heart was a little bit heavier this week.

my vision seemed a little bit more narrow this week.

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During this entire pregnancy there has been an underlying thread of guilt in the back of my mind, I have fought thoughts like:

“you aren’t praying for this baby as much as you prayed for Anniston, you aren’t loving her as well.”

“you aren’t eating as well this pregnancy, she’s not getting what she needs.”

“you aren’t being as intentional,  you’re not giving her your best”

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This week, those thoughts caught up with me. We had a 28 week ultrasound to check on my placenta previa. Shortly after the ultrasound began the technician let me know that the placenta had moved, and that was good. As she continued to measure the baby, I noticed she kept coming back to the baby’s stomach. I really didn’t think much of it initially because my girls have both been really wild in the womb and hard to measure.

When she finished with the measurements she let me know that our little girl was measuring quite small, specifically in her stomach and she would need to go over the measurements with the doctor before I left. This was not good. I was alone, with little information and the thoughts that I had let linger throughout this pregnancy began to take control of my mind.

Worry. Fear. Guilt.

This is the challenge of being a mom, navigating the fine line between having the maternal instincts to protect that precious little life with everything you have and finding the ability to trust, to walk with open hands, full of faith. Embracing what I think are God-given emotions or instincts and putting them to use without letting them control you. This is where I have wrestled this week.

During this pregnancy God has also made something very clear about this little one. He is writing her story. He has something great in store for her, and His great might not look like my great. I need to be okay with that. His great might mean her story ends up in a hospital bed. His great probably involves me on my knees. His great isn’t ever easy and my protective instincts fight against that a little.

At one point this week I found myself crying out to Him with my mama heart, “I don’t want a story! I want a healthy baby.” And in my heart I sensed His gracious response, “that’s real, that’s a mom and that’s okay… right now.”

This is me wrestling with that very thin line between my maternal instincts and restless worrying, between fear and faith. I know that He sees my heart and He is graciously helping me along, but I have a ways to go.

Lord, help me say, “You write her story and give me the grace to do my part.” ………………………………………………………………

In the meantime, He has made it so clear that His hand is on us, on her. He provided an easy way for us to get some extra scans done with a great doctor who spelled out very clearly what could be causing this lack of growth. One by one he ruled out any major complications. We will just continue to carefully watch our little peanut grow and pray.